Hello petal,
Sorry you're going through this! Mixed episodes are the absolute worst, I've been in one for two weeks now, induced by the sertraline my old doc prescribed me (thanks very much for that!). I went to see a specialist yesterday who told me to immediately stop the sertraline and gave me seroquel instead to calm me down.
I used to self harm when I was younger and the mixed episode brought it all back, I felt like I [I]just had to[I] harm myself, it was very scary and I just wanted to die. So yeah, turns out there is something worse than pure depression, which I didn't believe. I learned the terror of mixed episodes in a very harsh way.
Lots of love, and here's to better days soon!!