Right now is a very stressful time. Everyone seems to have something for me to do to get better. Handling one thing at a time is hard enough. My last meeting with the T she asked what I like to do before...all that I could think of was fishing. So she wants me to go fishing before the next DBT meeting on Monday. Not sure if she has ever gone fishing and knows how much stuff you have to get in line before going. There's the license, the bait, finding the tackle box and making sure you have what you need in there, making sure the rod works, packing a cooler of drinks, sunscreen, bug spray, gun, etc.

Then the lady getting assaulted last night and I feel like I could have done more for her. Didn't sleep well because it triggered flashbacks of Dad beating mom and threatening to kill us both in our sleep.(another possible sleep issue)


I'm not even sure this new T even knows me even though she has the notes from my other T. She's never asked any questions about anything in the past. It's kind of like we will work with the surface issues and not get into the deeper issues. For me it's like a constant slide show going on in my head of past traumas experienced and witnessed. Dad's suicide just seem to start this process, or the early EMDR that I was not ready for. I'm not a whiner or complainer and it's hard for me to ask someone to listen to me and hear my concerns. Maybe I should write a letter to the T, seems to be easier to discuss by writing it instead of "talking it out" When I start talking it out I dissociate and totally forget what we were talking about and that's embarrassing.


This DBT stuff is so overwhelming and it's hard to understand where this fits in with what I'm going through. My VA T says if I don't do DBT classes I need to start with ANOTHER T that has more frequent openings. The good thing is that the VA is hiring more T's for the veterans. Don't know that I have it in me to start over with another T. There was the EAP T, two private T's with the last one being the best so far, and the VA T, because I lost my insurance and job. Oh yeah and several online T's, now that was an interesting experience. I really think CPTSD is not an online therapy issue.


Okay enough rambling.