Let me start by saying I have a long history of childhood, life-long trauma.
I have worked hard to try to heal from the childhood events/experiences and those which had also occurred in young adulthood. I thought I was doing well.
Possible trigger:
--Trigger Warning -- Trigger Warning -- Trigger Warning -- Trigger Warning
Approx 3 years ago now, I had gone to a small city's public park. I had taken my elderly mother out with me and we were having lunch where she loves to people watch. We were out in broad daylight, in an open park, which was an open block of grass/land with benches and fountains, etc. We were seated on a bench, visiting, when I was attacked by a violent stranger. I was attacked from behind, so there was little I could do. The person had my head by the hair, was violently shaking my head back and forth and was also punching me in the head. In the end, I was thrown forward onto the ground in front of the bench. I am a medium-large framed athletic-looking person, so this was not an easy task -- throwing me like that.
This person also took down, threw, 3 police officers to the ground once the officers had approached him.
The assailant, it turns out had a paranoid type of a mental illness and had attacked because he'd needed shelter, food and meds. He was visiting from another state. He needed services/care. He had been turned away from local service agencies. Getting arrested helped to insure his needs would be met and he knew this from his history.
I ended up with a traumatic brain injury and whiplash.
Things have not been the same. I have had to stay on Depakote since, due to irritability, sensitivity to noises, etc. Depakote has helped the pain as well as the jumpiness related to the trauma.
I thought I was in a good place with feeling safe in public places when this had happened. I have been going to therapy, doing a huge program, and I still cannot yet get over the feeling of being not safe in public settings. I used to visit that nearby city often, as it is a quaint little city, used to be such fun in the market place, etc. I have not been able to go back into that city on foot at all. I can barely drive by the park without feeling ill.
Nothing has been the same. This event re-triggered everything, it seems.
I don't know if I will ever recover now, as it seems so deeply entrenched.
I was hypervigilant before this event. I am now super hypervigilant.
I am not comfortable out in public with crowds anymore. I am not comfortable outside of my own home, really. I just keep pushing myself when I can do so, so I do go out, yet am on high alert the whole time, which is exhausting. My sleep has gotten worse again, as I had explained in a different post.
Yes, I see an expert in treating CPTSD, I use many of the techniques we talk about here, etc.
I understand traumas are often repeated. However, in this situation, we were in a park considered ultra safe, in broad daylight, just visiting amongst ourselves. There was no poor judgment involved, no underlying compulsion to repeat trauma, etc. It was just the luck of the draw, so to speak.
If you were traumatized earlier in life, have you been re-traumatized as an adult? If so, how did the more recent trauma impact your life?
Just looking for some support, I guess.
Much Love and Healing to All,
WC