After all that you've said I don't understand your statement about being hopeful and it's hard to believe you would think that his words saying "I love you" mean much. Love, to me is what you do. It is how you treat, respect, comfort and support your spouse or loved one. Saying the words does nothing to negate all the negative behavior and unsupportive actions he carries out. "gaslighting" is the opposite of love. Pretending that you don't understand in order to avoid having to deal that which is right in front of you as a problem, after years of being reminded what is expected is not love. It is selfishness pure and simple. His saying he wants to stay married also, is, selfish. Of course he wants to stay married to the woman that has enabled him to be the king of inaction for so many years. He has been given a comfortable place to be lazy in his relationship and the longer he keeps being able to do it, the more he will continue to not change. why change? Why bother doing anything? he's taken care of, you're there, he keeps the kids and the wife but doesn't have to work for it! Of course he wants to stay married. If you left hell he'd have to figure out how to be on his own for once and take responsibility.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but what you're going through is not real emotion, it's conflict in yourself when I feel that deep down you know everything is way wrong but you have some strong conviction, I dn't know what it is, that if you change things, leave or hold him accountable something entirely worse will happen.

You're an enabler in a codependent relationship.

I cannot tell you that you're wrong or right in staying but I can say I hope you're ok with it staying exactly as it is and you are able to find happiness in it, as it is because it's likely never going to change on his end. You've done nothing to give him motivation to do so.

I say, if He LOVES YOU SO MUCH, make him prove it. He may but he takes it for granted you believe him. Don't let him do that anymore. Please stand up for yourself.