One of the symptoms of PTSD is wanting to avoid and isolate and detach.

When a major trauma takes place one of the major challenges is "loss of control" and then feeling "guilt" about not doing enough to prevent. That can be like a survivor's guilt.

You have some big issues about what happened with your father. You were threatened by him, but you also gradually found your way to also having a relationship with him. Then when he chose to take his own life the way he did, that has left you with a lot of confusion, survivors guilt and an abscence.

You have been a survivor, a strong person "in spite of" but you had a trauma that was so significant that there has been a huge loss of "sense of self". What caught my attention is how you titled this thread, and you are right most people "don't understand".

The way you describe having things replay in your mind, that is not unusual with PTSD. I have struggled with that myself. It can be very hard for the brain to figure out "where/how" to store a tragic event. A big part of healing Tracy, is learning how to live your life again one day at a time in spite of it. It's not easy. The reason your therapist wanted you to go fishing is because it was something you enjoyed, and it's also something you can do that has a "control" to it. You have to slowly heal and find yourself again and learn to be patient with yourself as you do so. And you are right, a lot of other people don't understand it. You know, most people don't understand things unless they experience it first hand because that is how human beings learn and relate.

My husband goes to AA meetings a lot, he gets a lot out of it because he is around others that know the challenge and also know the struggle of living their lives one day at a time without using alcohol as a crutch. One of the things he has learned also is that some of these people also suffer from PTSD.

Tracy, you are not perfect, you are not always in control, life can be a big challenge and the truth is, we are ALL just human beings and no one is ever truely "perfect".