i guess i kind of just want to say sorry for writing so many weird things that probably have been really disturbing to read.. i hope that i haven't triggered or caused any issues for anyone...

honestly i don't know whats happening to me in my life right now, well... i dont think i have ever really known for my entire life.. but i am trying to flip power on to parts and places inside of me that have been... litterally... destroyed and ransacked probably by my own hands, well.. after the initial traumas ceased and other traumatic events started to replace... which in the end i just started to create my own traumatic experience to keep everything in lockdown, keep my world so full of smoke and mirrors that i couldn't see that there are no roads... i thought there were many, and running around frantically i have been...

when you place yourself in a box full of many mirrors and smokey haze that fogs your mind you think there are ways out, ways around the scary monsters that are behind the mirrors... but you forget that you are locked in a box and its just mirrors casting reflections upon each others creating the illusions of paths or exits...
you forget many things... but its part of the game i guess, lets trick the mind- if we do this then we can atleast believe there is a way out; but is there really a way?
not without destroying and shattering the mirrors that have been put in place to protect from the monsters the shield... but you even have to remember and realize that you are trapped in a box and don't get anywhere no matter how far in 1 direction you walk... or run...

this room that i have been put in is the maze that i created for this 'dream' to continue...
how else could you live with yourself? but to be fooled by reflections of things that dont exist... have i moved an inch at all during my periodic fleeing?
becoming so numb over the years you dont even realize that you cant move from the spot in the mirrored room... chained to the floor, not allowed to even discover the illusion that is created to keep the mirrors in place...

i have to ask, how is it that one could go on and on for so long without even realizing?
but maybe its something in the smoke... the smoke must cause some sort of disorientation, some ability to fog the clarity of what should be clear... its not clear, is it?

i am trying to become courageous... i want to be strong enough to not care what is blocked on the outside, or why i am trapped inside...
but fear is something that fuels the exhaustion... fear can break you down to submit to foes you could easily dismantle... why choose the 'easy' way out by submission? or is it really the easy way at all... what does easy mean?

the mind becomes twisted on these terms... understanding of what something is meant to be is lost... the mirrors twist reality in a way to make the right seem wrong, the wrong seem right... the wrong seem strong, the right become the plight... you retreat into the arms of misery...
letting the ones you fear most comfort you... you are comforted by the familiarity of that which you know to be there... and frightened by that which you are told is better...
scared of that something which could shatter it all... what would happen to me if my chain is broken? if the smoke clears and my minds fog lifts... what if the relfections break and true paths are shown?
could you even have the strength to step in those direction...?

i have been acting out against those that hurt... the ones that beckon to comfort with the familiar pain... shouting you know not the horrors that lie beyond the mirrors, why leave me? why take the chance of true destruction... dont you want to survive? stay with us...

emotions erode such as the canyons of the world... the beautiful falls turn to dry chasms...
what once you could know and understand... to feel these ones, become darkened... numbed, to smile becomes a reflex... to hate becomes a reflex... to flee becomes a reflex... to turn and face another mirror becomes a reflex....
how many moments have passed? how many years has it been since i have known where i came from?
how long has it been since what i have felt to be a true emotion...? i dont even know what is it to feel an emotion... lost in the mirrors reflection an infinite gaze of confusion...

look inwards, but where have my innards gone? everything has been taken to build the box... this box is where i reside, my survival is in here... to keep the world from getting in and destroying what that i have left, but what have i left?
am i even part of this 'game' anymore..? how many mirrors does it take... how many reflections until the reflections become more real that you?
how you can determine the truth from the smoke? is that another mirror over there? or is my eyes just burning and watering over from the smokey in my eye...
the chains hurt, but i know i am in place... i cant be taken away as long as they are not broken...

but i turn, but the more i go, i become to spin... i am moving faster now, i am looking around and desiring the true... but where has it gone?
and the frantic bit begins... seeking to unlock the chains so i can touch the mirrors to see if they are real, to see if maybe they are true paths out... to wonder if maybe i should have courage to walk away and to see outside for myself... what should i expect?

i want to know what the feelings are... to discover true emotions and learn to understand what it means to be real, to have real feelings that maybe aren't surrounded by the plight and fear...
i have seen that many many people don't have this fears... they don't have the chains or stand in front of the hall of mirrors... they can see clearly and there is no smoke...
but what if the clearing of these things are met with my demise... to stay safe where you have locked yourself for years? or to break out and try to see if there is something safer than these fears...

i have been working for this for a long time....
but i can not doubt the fear, fear is what i know... its the only thing that i can understand, i dont know what anything else really feels like... but i am afraid, and i know what it feels like to be afraid...
but i see through some reflections that people smile, it looks so nice sometimes i want to smile.. i want to hug without fearing being stabbed in the back or choked to death... to walk with someone without fearing them pushing me over a cliff... to talk with someone without fearing their twist my words to use in a horrible way against me...
to make a friend without fear of this person being the worse enemy of all...

who are these people? i don't know what to do... i lost control so many years ago... but i am fighting to make things right...
i just need to understand why to be afraid...? i should be strong enough and big enough to fight off anyone that want to hurt me... i should be scary enough my self to be able to protect myself without having to be afraid or being chained in a mirror room...

i am tired of the way things have gone for all these years and i am fighting to make things better the best i can...
but i feel very alone and afraid because i am trying to break the rules...
but i dont want to break the rules and make things bad, to make things worse... i dont want to be more afraid.... if you follow the rules things can be shhhhhhhh, and you know you dont have to worry about anything getting worse you know..? but i know now that things really can change if i can figure out what to do... i just have to figure out what to do so i try so hard to pay attention... try to learn so i can do what i need to to make things work for the good of everyone and me... but im scared that i really am just going to mess up everything and then what... i dont want to die, all i wanted was to smile and know what something else feels like than to be afraid...

im tired of fear... i dont want to be afraid anymore...

im sorry to you all here because i know that before there were lots of scary things posted... i dont normally let things like that happen but i have been having such a hard time... i usually am good at keeping those kind of embarrassing things locked away...
but i guess when you fight against yourself things happen and you can act foolish...

i just hope that no one will ever read any stupid things i say and judge me because of it... i wish some of those things in the past have never been posted but i cant go back and delete them, and i dont want to go back and read any of them because i know they are scary... i dont even want to know what is in them... and dont really want to delete them because in a sense its part of whats happening to me...
i just want people not to be mad at me for having really stupid things said...
and people to know that i am trying really hard to do things very difficult for me right now...
trying to understand what i have become.... trying to learn what i am suposed to do...
and trying to survive through it without really destroying myself completely..

i am trying so hard to understand what is happening to me but it seem that when i try hard... when i try really hard to focus... pay attention... to feel things... to really really try hard to pull myself to the present... things get so chaotic..
like that saying you know they say dont rock the boat?
well i guess i have been shaking it pretty hard out of frustration because im tired of being in the dark about everything... but its pushing and shaking back really hard too...

im just so confused and the only thing that i can figure is that i am so used to dissociating so much so heavily that is hard for me to really grasp anything...
but im fighting with myself about it because my experience feels so strange and i have tried to educate myself as best i can and still continue trying to learn but it just seems like im really broken or something.... i dont really know anyone like me or have never talked to someone so lost as me...
never read any stories about someone being so confused... read anything about someone being so far gone that ... well just look at me...

i get these feelings that come from inside that make me so crazy... melancholic depression... a state that i cant escape, but no one can see it because i seem to disappear and take care of things the way that i have to to avoid making things worse... fall into the embrace of the pain, the pain will take me there... but no one must know, and no one will know ... when i mumble or blurt it out by accident, no one will believe me... to be alone, but surrounded by foes and so called friends alike... but the friends are just as foe as the enemy within...

suicidal ideations riddle myself with a puzzled misunderstanding... i dont want to die at all, all i ever wanted was to be alive... to have a chance at happiness, to know what it feels like to experience the warm embrace of joy... contentedness...

i dont know why i am writing anything like this, i dont think that it makes much sense to most people... but i cant tell anyone because no one listens or cares or believes me anyway...
so i end up trapped in the locked mirror room... with my chains holding me in place so that i wont **** up and try to run down a false path that is only a relfection of something that will cause great pain...
there is no escape...
i am trapped...
but i want it to stop... i want to be free.. and i want to see the real world, to have these feelings and know what the emotions are...
to be able to sit down and tell someone, even if just my therapist, to tell her "this is what i feel"

but time and time again she and they ask, how are you? what have you been doing since the last time?
what are you supposed to say... when you are trappped in a moment.. trapped behind a thousand mirrors with false reflections that have become more real than you...
"i dont know... i dont know how i have been... i dont know what i have done..."
the same ol' i suppose....
i tell her that i am still just trying... but you know how bad my memory is...

i plead on the inside, please grab my hand and dont let go, they tell me many sweet nothings but it is painful, the pain keeps me here because i know what the pain is... to risk more ?
to be... or not to be...

i wish for her to slap me out of it... but ive the feeling that a good beating wouldnt make it stop...

dont let me go, please find me and bring me out of this lock and chain, tell me that its safe to leave, i dont want to stay in here any longer...



sorry about past crazies... trying not to let them come through more...
no sense in attacking the air, dont want anyone to see me in despair...