I don't know how to deal with my emotions today,they are all over the place.First I am dealing with the tiredness of a long day yesterday,being all day at the doctors and learning I have to go to hospital to have my heart checked out and also to get checked for cancer down below.

It was a shock and made me confront my mortality and I have to change my lifestyle habits,which I had already started to do but now have to be more committed to.I am afraid to die I admit I am a complete coward and don't want to give it up yet!

I was mainly really scared of dying,felt like I was being robbed and had that negativity of it all being out of my control and I had no choice,the grim reaper was upon me.So my moods sunk to the depths and I started getting headaches and wanted a good cry but nothing would come out.

Today has been better but I still don't know how bad my heart condition is.
I managed to do 40 mins physical exercise and did the physio exercise for my posture too which is for straightening my hunched up back.i felt lighter and better after that and felt I could breathe better when I was short of breath.
I think losing more weight will help my heart.I've lost three stone already but I am still 19 stone 10 pounds which is about 280 pounds,still too heavy.

I still feel low and want to cry,there is no one to share these feelings with,I think it is ok though, but I can't stabilize, I go from feeling ok one minute to being scared and worried the next.You know what it is like when you have to hold yourself up from bad news and try to carry on when you know if you had someone to share it with they would reassure you lots of people get through the same ok and you'd feel better and not so worried.

I am going to try and rest now as I am physically run down and exhausted!