I've struggled determining whether to respond to this or not. What I have to say may not be received well, and if that is the outcome, then I'll regret posting it. My heart is in the right place though, please believe that; I am responding in an effort to give a perspective that may help.

Everyone in the world wants one simple thing - to be happy. Happiness comes from inside or not at all. I hear and honor the pain that you are feeling right now, but your husband cannot fix that. Only you can.

For you, finding happiness may take ending the relationship. It may take changing your perspective. The good news is that the choice you make is entirely under your control.

*trigger warning for mentioning sexual abuse - nothing explicit*

I don't offer the following to say that my way is the right way - everyone's needs are different, but for perspective. My wife and I haven't even attempted to have sex for years. We haven't shared an open mouthed kiss for years. I have described our relationship and my role (to myself) as her father who doesn't have sex with her. She dissociated during every attempt at sex we have ever had - and as someone who has a dissociative disorder myself, it's pretty hard to watch. Sex triggers her and frankly, I have little interest in having sex for the sake of sex. If we were to share sexual intimacy, I would need her to stay in the room - and she is incapable of doing so at this time. After this many years I'm thinking that sex is not going to be one of the issues she ever gets around to addressing. Fact is, there are other issues that are more life threatening to work on and so sex is relegated to a back burner.

There is a reason your husband will not act as you want him to in bed. I have no idea what those reasons are. Perhaps he is an abuse survivor himself and is incapable of talking about it - not a unique situation with men. Maybe he is selfish - not a unique situation with humans. Maybe he doesn't know how, he doesn't 'get it' and your explanations are Greek to him. Maybe...

But at the end of the day, maybe it doesn't matter why. He doesn't fill that void in your life for whatever reason and it is almost certainly not about you - it's about him. Can you accept him as he is or not without the promise of future change? Can you accept him as he is or not, without the possibility of change in the future?

Because it does sound like you are driving yourself crazy trying to figure out how to change him...and that is out of your control. It doesn't mean that he won't change - but you can't do it.