Thank you so much for replying. I was worried nobody would. I have really struggled to find common ground with anyone in my BPD group as the focus has been on more on the childhood trauma that caused the BPD in the first place and problematic behaviours like self harm, outbursts of anger towards others, the extreme highs and lows and drug and alcohol abuse. As I said, I didn't experience any childhood trauma and I never have had the above symptoms. The only trauma I have really experienced in life was being bullied at school but even before then, I struggled with relationships and emotions without there having been any real cause.

I can't really say I've ever abandoned things I did like for the sake of wanting to be the same as somebody else; rather I never really knew what I liked in the first place. I don't have any dreams for the future and since I've dropped liking things I like in other people rather than being myself, I don't like anything. However, I can remember forcing myself to like things in order to live up to the self I had created, to gain approval or admiration and to fit into certain social groups but I wasn't aware that I was doing it at the time.

Having had very few relationships in my life, let alone close ones, I can't say I have ever paid much attention to their stability until recently. I have always had a tendency to avoid them where possible. Relationships and emotions have always frightened me and I've always felt like a fish out of water. Added to that, I have long had a fear about being "found out" about my sexual orientation which caused me to push people even further away. Also, I have always lacked understanding of my own and other people's emotions. I was completely unaware of how my behaviour affected others and when I look back, I have probably hurt people in the past by the way I have behaved, being so difficult to get close to and pushing people away. It was only when I started seeing a therapist who I became really attached to that I started to become aware of my style of attachment. I want to connect with someone but when I do it turns to anger. I try to push them away, expecting they will reject me and even trying to provoke them to do so. Then I'm apologizing for my anger and want to be close again but I'm back to anger and we've gone full circle. It keeps going on and on this way until I feel I can trust them but then I start to feel suffocated in the relationship which leads more anger and resentment. I hate you, don't leave me comes to mind.

I told my psychiatrist I was struggling with my identity, but not about these things specifically, only that I really struggle to connect with people and thought I had Asperger's Syndrome. I was assessed and the results came back negative. It has only been since the attachment to my therapist and the subsequent termination of therapy and the way I felt afterwards (rejected, hurt, lost, angry) that all of this came to light. My next therapist told me I have BPD traits and that's when I started to question it but at the same time, it doesn't really fit because I don't have the impulsivity, outward anger, and self destructive behaviours that my therapy group talk about.