im really trying to get rid of the maze, but its so easy to get lost i think you know?
trying to figure things out but i think that im so deep in that it can seem like anything i do doesnt really amount to any progress; which i know is untrue... its just really hard because im really exhausted.. and scared i guess..

but the type of 'learned behavior' that is drilled, glued, nailed, grown into the walls and all keeps me fooled and tricked into the 'dark' ways that will only make me retreat deeper into the maze rather than seeing the flower and butterflies for what they are

i dont have many memories at all but the few things i do have are these type of memories, you cant do this... people dont understand this... its bad to let people know this.. if you pretend its not there no one will see it, it cant see me...

i feel so ashamed and guilty that i cant remember things of the past; especially when someone you haven't seen in a while comes to you and wants to reminisce-- "remember when...."
to stare through the person and try to get them to lead the memory so that you can play along and keep anyone from knowing that you cant remember any of it...
how much pain it can cause... i only hear on the inside that if anyone knew that i cant remember them that they would be hurt like me and feel like it didn't matter and i don't want to hurt anyone... so here i am, "i walk alone" but with a thousand shadows

how could anyone understand?
so i have to... i have to live in this dream clouded with mirrors to reflect as much truths /false truths/ as i can to have the illusion of even having a life i guess..
but no one knows.. how is it that it can be so hidden? that no one would care or be able to see how lost i am.. i guess its easier to attribute my short comings to a lack of 'faith' ; you need to pray and ask jesus, they say... but if they knew how long and how much i cried out while running would their thoughts still be the same...?
do people know how the smack in the face feels when they tell me that? as if i haven't tried and been left standing in the dark rain alone again and again... how many times to you reach out before your arms are to tired to lift?
how many times do you scream out before your voice is too hoarse to make a squeak?


so easy to get distracted... i ended up getting up and going somewhere in the middle of writing so im gonna try to finish :/

i dont really know what to say :/
i feel like people feel like i haven't tried anything and that im just a victim and play a victim mentality or something... not really listening to what im saying because it is so crazy i guess that they feel like it must be a fabrication/exaggeration due to some hysteria/ attention need.. so it just feels like i cant really talk at all, everything i say is going to be wrong, bad, things will get worse because words are just words and people make them mean what they want them to.. so how do i tell anyone what i feel? when i have made sure that even i cant know how i feel? what symptoms..? i dunno, somethings wrong - if i say anything else i might explode

dreams suck, why cant i wake up from this one

thanks for being kind.. im gonna go drink my beers though, hope things can some day work together again.. kind of tired of my memory, and this stupid feeling of feeling so inadequate and belittled because i shouldnt feel so bad, or im just possesed with demons that are trying to torture me and i need to pray to make it better, which maybe if demons are real they are F*n with me but i dont care about them so much, cant do anything to me dumb dumb...

just wish that i didnt have to keep talking to different people over and over about the same stuff trying to explain whats wrong when i dont even know myself but they cant figure it out because im like invisible or something

sorry that i ramble.. i tend to have the capability of writing too much without realizing how much is written..


everything will work out some how... i just need to catch my balance i guess
no worries