Hello. My pseudonym is Plant, and I am a 30 year-old woman. I am married, and do not have any human children. I am facing a grievance which I do not have any support for, simply due to my never speaking openly about this topic in particular. "Motherhood" will be said topic.

I have never imagined myself having children, because I have never been treated as a real person, throughout most of my life. My identity has always been mixed with another person's (i.e. mother's, partner's, etc.). The more attention I give to changing this boundary-less dynamic (and the self I have failed to gain, resulting of such patterns), and the more I discover what I want, or could have in life, the more frustrated and lost I feel.

I have forever resisted the idea of physically having a child. I have always wanted to adopt or foster. However, my sense of self has not developed enough with my desires. I am a mature, capable person. But, the disconnect I experience between mind and body is huge. I physically and mentally grapple with a pendulum swinging between five-year-old girl, and 30-year-old woman. I worry I have not taken the steps I would have needed to, in order to be awarded the right to become a mother (as the person I currently am).

I care for children for a living, but mostly because I am very good with children, and am a natural nurturer. I am also a person who has seen everyone else get what they want, meanwhile standing back observing, and being expected to know how to safely disentangle myself from an abusive, controlling, and boundary-less biological mother, and the expectations and criticisms which came with such a relationship.

I worry I have unintentionally chosen a life and partner, which fosters exactly those old dynamics I have worked so hard to diminish and eradicate from my current life (a life free of that toxic mother, who I have worked very hard to divorce, throughout the last seven years). I am scared for myself, and I am simply saddened.

I know I want more from life, and I definitely know I want to be a parent on some level, because the mere thought/ news of another person I know having a child, makes me cry and makes me feel worthless. I want something more in life other than to focus on myself, although selfishness is a skill I am supposed to be cultivating to balance the lack of self I have experienced, for the last 25 years. I lacked a self growing up, and I lacked a self into adulthood and resulting from accidentally becoming involved with abusive person, after abusive person.

I hope I have made the right decision with my husband. And, I hope he will not look down on me for feeling this way, and for wanting our lives to have a change in focus. We may not be financially stable enough to support a child. But, I do not want to live like children (as he is used to) and simply continue in stagnation, due to its higher degree of safety and ease (which he always seeks). I want to live life so I can feel. NOT so I can feel safe all of the time.

Feedback appreciated. Or, just validation.

Thank you for reading.