i was wondering... does anyone of you have experience with delirium..?
im going to try to talk about things with the therapist obviously but... i really would just like to know what the heck is goin on with me..
have a little peace knowing that everything is going to be ok and i can finally rest..
T might give me some feedback this time because i have told her how important it is to me

this stuff makes me feel so ashamed because of how debilitating it is to me... i mean i am supposed to be an adult for crying out loud... but its ruining my life.. keeping me from having/starting a life, a real life ... rather than living in my head, i want to live out here in the world but i seem to be causing a cascading effect which is really shaking the symptoms up severely and the more its shaken the more i frantically look around trying to solve it which only serves to make it worse, not that i am obsessing again and im not going to let myself get back into that mode... but its really disturbing me...

i just want it to stop...

i keep forgetting that the psychologist put on the report that i had a cognitive impairment, it wasnt a diagnosis though (that i know of.. atleast its not in the top list where the other dxs are listed..) it was just in the notes he put in the report and i dont think he talked to me about that part or if he did i cant remember.. i dont really understand what that could be because it would seem that 'cognitive impairment' could mean a many number of things...?

when i am thinking about it its pretty scary stuff... but i seem to forget and everything is hunky dory in a sense, not that im functional, but i live in the world i have inside the mind and do what i know to do on autopilot or something, like reading or playing a video game... and here lately i've been zoning out into the tv stuff but i never really watched much tv so i dont know why im even looking at it now besides maybe a distraction...

i keep going in circles because my trail is being wiped.. like, maybe i am bipolar... but i feel like i would know and beable to recognize the mania after i come down, and i feel like if it was bipolar then all those antipsychotics and moodstabilizers would of atleast helped a little... but the docs and people themselves kept telling me that i was manic even on all that stuff and i was just flabbergasted because i was trying to talk to them about my concerns and explain why i felt that way and stuff and they would just blow me off saying not play doctor... but if you are on a bunch of pills and things arent improving and they are continuously seemingly telling you that you are experiencing something that you are pretty sure you are not experiencing what else do you do..?
so maybe im not bipolar... i know i have personality issues, but i just cant figure out the disconnectedness and severe memory problem... mood swings or whatever you call them things where the world flips upside down and inside out and side to side with pretty much no continuity .. like one mode is this and the other is that but you cant add things up because you arent sure how things are when those strong emotions and feelings are active/dominant..

im just trying as hard as i can to remain focused and centered so that i can really atleast get these people to see what i see... or how i feel... or maybe get someone to just shake me and slap me a few times and wake me up...

maybe i am having some kind of alcohol/drug induced withdrawal reaction or something crazy... i just figured that it wouldnt be some type of withdrawal thing since its been so long that i have really gotten control over the substance/alcohol problem... right?
a year should be enough time for something like that to leave you alone i thought... its been longer than a year... going on 2 years probably

im just wanting to fix things so i can make things better and stop allowing such pain to live inside.. people shouldn't have to have those things locked away inside..
its just really difficult because of my ... im not even sure what the word you would use to describe what i mean... "level of consciousness" or something..
like a 12 cylinder engine running on half a cylinder, that car isnt going anywhere... know what i mean?
analogies used to be something i could do pretty easy but i just cant figure this one out...

i wish i wasn't posting things like this, but its all i can do right now.. and i know that im probably wording my sentences strange and making alot of errors but im trying my best... its difficult to focus and make sense when you cant remember what the last sentence was...
re-read what you wrote and then forget what you wanted to add, and forget what you had already wrote again, and its just really disturbing... i think im really really sick and some how the body is making it seem like i am fine and i just dont want to die if there is something i can do to make it better

i did tell my case manager about this but she said that she doesnt think that its anything more than what my therapist is working on (whatever she thinks i dont know) so apparently they're thinking its really not a physical thing.. but you have to be concerned that maybe it is and they just dont notice it because the last group of people were hell bent on making me believe i was bipolar...

yeah, im done writing for now.. i was just wondering about delirium... so easy to get off track...