hmm....

i guess what i was trying to say with that, is that it takes so much energy to try to maintain the... image.. that everyone see's of me..
when i start to lose energy many inconsistencies can start to show and it just makes everything more complicated so sometimes its easier to just sit alone watching your own steamy breathe inhale and exhale in the dark night cold of solitude..
i never feel alone anyway and atleast then i can try to let the guards down a little to rest a brief moment..

i adore spending time around others but its just exhausting...

the more you go out and try to talk with others the crazier you feel because even you start to see how weird it can be, would rather people not know too much about me so they cant talk amongst themselves and come to the conclusion that im a "poser" because of how i am... but it is really hard filtering everything all the time just to try to make yourself look normal
so going a few days or weeks or whatever without much contact isn't really difficult... time doesnt really exist, or atleast i cant really perceive a passing of time so well...
and when you try to talk to others and relate and you just always feel alienated and alone anyway its really not much different...