I had a bad night yesterday. I was so happy to get into the chat room with so many last night. It had got me through for the most part. I was able to go to bed and I fell asleep fast. I was so darn sleepy and my tummy did not feel so great. Anyway, I woke up around 5am with such a nightmare I woke up the household.

I had climbed in the bed in my kids room as my son was having a rough night. He kept on waking up off and on and asked me to sleep beside him. Next thing I knew I was sitting up straight with my face soaked in tears and everyone staring at me. Even the dog was upset. I felt so stupid, what the heck do u say? I told them I had a bad dream and got them settled back to sleep. I was still so upset. I went into my room and rocked back and forth. The tears, fear of what just went through my head, memories I wish I could will away. I tried to calm myself, but not very successful.

So I ended up fighting with my stupid razor. I have so many cuts on my stomach and chest. One of them really needed to be "fixed up." No way was I making a trip to ER. So I will just keep it clean. I guess the part that bothers me is the scars. I have many emotional scars but looking at the physically ones is a constant reminder of my weaknesses. I screwed up, again. Now today I feel like the ugliest, fattest, terrible person that I am.

I think today I will stay away from food. I will drink though. I have already had a cup of coffee, which is good for me. I know coffee is not the healthiest thing, but like my doctor said; anything is something. I am taking my kids swimming today. I am not going in the water today as I took too many laxatives with this mess last night. sry, yucky. I am running too the hated room today. But they will have fun. I like watching them, they love water. And they like it when I watch. Was going to skate but they just want to do swimming today.

Justy