It is an illness that affects most of us. It can be caused by life events, chemical imbalance or a combination of both. I never thought of myself suffering from depression, but a major life event happened and I was depressed. It didn't go away after some time. It actually got worse. Other issues started to occur. I lost my self confidence, started eating more and exercising less, I felt unattractive. A constant feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness was a daily factor. I cried every time I was alone. I started to hang out less and less with friends. My best friend who always asked me out stopped asking, although we still are best friends. I started abusing ambien, just so I can sleep through the pain. Then one night in the eve of my birthday I was all alone. Everyone was out except me. I was in my apartment by myself thinking how much of a failure I was. I have a job I dislike, girlfriend less, no plans and pain. I decided what does it matter. I just want it to stop. I started drinking my scotch and popped an ambien. Then I popped a painkiller and continued to alternate till I was maybe at round 5. I felt dizzy lint head, stomach was hurting but most of all the depression was still there at its highest. I wanted to die, I was at rock bottom. I sipped some more scotch then the phone rang, it was my niece wishing me a happy birthday, then it rang again and it was my best friend. Then I got a text from my other best friend. I thought wtf am I doing, now weather this helped or not I went to the bathroom and made myself puke. I went to the couch and passed out eventually. When I woke up I had a bad stomach ache and felt lightheaded. All I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. And sleep I did. 7 months passed by and I was still hopeless, with no purpose gaining weight and feeling pathetic. I probably was slightly suicidal as I constantly thought what if I just died. I couldn't do it though, the thought of my niece and best friends at my funeral was too much.

I finally decided to go to a psychologist in July of 14. We talked and had weekly sessions. I told her how I felt hopeless and didn't have a purpose. In some sessions I cried. Other sessions we explored my childhood, which was of neglect, abandonment and emotional abuse. She finally diagnosed me as major depression disorder, which I told my gp and he put me on Wellbutrin. I also explained the feeling of uneasiness, shortness of breath, constant worrying, chest pain and mind going 90mph. He explained to me that I was having panic attacks and prescribed some Xanax.

After a few more months of talk therapy and explaining to my t how I loved my 20s, how reckless I was, how many women I slept with, how much I won at poker, how I accumulated debt, she had me take a questionnaire. After I was done she said I was bipolar. (Sometimes I question this as life events made me depressed, although the depression never stopped.

I told is to my gp and he said it would be best to go to s pdoc who can treat me more effectively than he can. So started off with a pdoc now. After trial and error and some anxious months I was finally given a combination of my current meds. My t treatment continued and I understood I have some issues that weren't resolved, from childhood, and some in adulthood.

The depression was weakening its chokehold on me loosened slightly. I had a glimpse of hope. My t and pdoc encouraged me to do social activities and go to the gym. I said I would but for some reason or not (anxiety) I would just stay home and stare at the ceiling, write and or read in this forum, cry about how much my life sucked or just sleep. For a while I'd stop watching tv and till today find it hard to do (thank you cable company for upping my rates too).

I made a promise to myself I wouldn't be alone for my birthday no matter what. I hung out with two coworkers New Year's Eve and had a good time. We went to a local dive and brought in the new year. Now is is something I would of done in my roaring twenties probably not, I was more for the extreme ludicrous partying. But at least I wasn't alone.

Enter 15 and I still struggled socially. I still have issues that have been brought up and my self confidence was low. I hated how my body looked and what I became. However I still had hope, and wasn't suicidal. I was however lonely. Both t and p doc encouraged me to go out find some friends. Get out of the house. I still stayed in bed, still crying, still in pain, still not living. Did I die December 31, 2013? My existence was of going to work and going home. No social life, no one texting me an occasional call from my sisters, mother, best friends (my family does not know of my condition). February rolls around and I start getting more depressed since I am alone with no one and fat. My t screams at me. Tells me to go to a singles party. I found one on meet up, a lock and key party. I buy a new outfit, depressed on the bigger size it is but decide not to let that bring me down. I go to this party by myself with no expectations. When I got my key I went to the bar and ordered a drink. Suddenly a pretty girl comes up to me and ask hey wanna try my lock and it works. Knowing I had no chance with this girl, whether self confidence or self conscious of my belly, I engage in small talk find out she lives in philly and other small talk that I don't remember. We part ways and at this point my self confidence is a bit higher. I order another drink and then start approaching a few girls try our lock and keys and engage in small talk. Again no expectations, but I was having fun. I even ********ted with a few guys in how cool of a concept this was. And it struck me, how many people that I know can say they been to something like this. I continue my rounds and hit it off with another girl and ended up with her phone number (nothing evolved out of this though, I was ok with that). I left the bar a few hours later and headed to my best friends bar and visited him. We ********ted for a couple of hours then I went home. I thought that was a pretty cool night.

I told my t about the event and how I had some fun. She said see there you go. I was still having body image issues and haven't returned to one of those parties yet. A few more months roll by and my depression is lessening a little. I feel hope but I still come home don't watch tv and just stare at the ceiling. Or check out this forum.
2016 comes and I broke my promise. I was alone for my birthday and New Years. I was ok with that. Had a couple drinks, no ambien painkillers or other pills. I continue my sessions and my t is trying to get me out there. I join a kickboxing class (I already belonged to a Kung fu school) and enjoyed it. (Ladies don't take this the wrong way) I am so amazed on how many beautiful women come and kickbox. I start taking pleasure in going, looking at the girls had something to do with that and lost a few pounds.

A few more months pass by and I'm still struggling going out. I picked up a part time job to supplement my income. All of a sudden depression tightens its grip on me. I can no longer support myself financially I have way too much debt. I speak to my t about it and she suggests a financial planner or bankruptcy. I thought to myself definetly no on bankruptcy. I did the math and had to pick up more hours at my part time job to break even. Still drowning. Several times at both jobs I started to lose it and cry. I had a job that I dislike, had to get a part time job, in my mid 30s alone and I still don't watch tv. I also stopped going to kickboxing.
A few more months is is almost summer and I made a realization. Bankruptcy is the way to go. After meeting with the lawyer and a payment plan I was set up. After I finish paying off the lawyer I would have 900 extra dollars a month. Depression lost a big grip. Summer comes and I don't really do much. I still don't have much money as I'm paying my lawyer, I haven't gone out much and I watched a little tv. August comes and it is my vacation. I have 7 and half months for my best friends wedding and I haven't even started a plan to lose weight or workout.
Like a relentless lion I go to the gym on Monday and post it on Facebook. I felt good. Tuesday I wake up early instead of staring at the ceiling I go to the gym and post it. Wednesday comes by and I want to go back to my Kung fu classes. I failed to go but I did get to the gym twice and I post it. Thursday comes along I wake up early again and head to the gym and yup I posted it. I prepared myself during the day eating right started a Dbt workbook but I'm getting super anxious (not panic attack level). I took a klonopin. But was still anxious I take another (pdoc ok it since we were talking of upping my dosage). I put my clothes on so,e self doubt lingers but I get in my car and arrive. I'm greeted by a lot of familiar faces and couple made jokes about my. Long beard I'm growing. I worked out it was hard but I loved it. Finally after two years of wasted money I get back to doing something I love. So I thought to myself since I'm so amped f it lets get to the gym and posted both gym and mma in Facebook. I lift a lot on my legs but couldn't finish my intended workout, almost did, must of been wiped from Kung fu. Work calls and I do a short overnight ot. I get done in the morning and said f it I'm going to the gym. Rock my chest and back and feeling like a beast. I haven't worked out like I did this week consecutively in probably 3 years I'm feeling great. Ate well last night. Woke up this morning and I was in so much pain lol. My legs were sore beyond relief my chest and back were jacked but above all this pain I do not feel an ounce of depression. I felt like I haven't felt in years accomplished. Although I did miss my mma class today I am going to the gym later to workout .......lightly. This week had me feeling like a beast and hopeful. My chest was wide my arms hard legs bit cut I felt good. I haven't felt like this in forever. It is a good feeling. This is the jumpstart I needed from before. It felt so good I am determined to make my classes next week and the gym at 4 in the morning everyday. Depression has been choking me for years but I can't live in the past I need to move on, and I intend to.

I have two major goals for the remainder of this year, lose 80 lbs and get a wedding date and or girlfriend. The question I have who is gonna have me accountable? Fishing fool, Parkin, blue, ras, moogie, who else? I would like to be accountable to more than one person. And yes I intend to also post on Facebook every time I make my pleasurable workout activities.


I know this is long but it's my story. I wanted 2015 then 2016 to be my year. I'm fighting for it. I'm now in to Make every year my year. F$&! Depression in its a hole it is not for us to dwell on. It's a reminder that we need assistance in overcoming it. If you read it this far thanks for reading.