Oh and I almost forgot. I stood up to h last night and it felt really really good. I told t about that, too. I found out yesterday that I made bonus for 2nd quarter and it will be on my paycheck next Friday, and he goes "Yeah! Free money!" I said "It is NOT free money, I work HARD to earn that bonus." Then he laughed at me and said it again. "Free money!" I looked him right in the eye and said "Say it. Say that you know I work hard to make bonus." So he said it in a sing-songy way that said to me he was still thinking it was funny. So then I said "No!! Say it SERIOUSLY that you know I work hard for that bonus!" So then he finally did say that he knows I work hard to make bonus every quarter. I know it isn't a big thing. But dang it, sometimes you just have to take a stand no matter how little of a thing it's about.

I had wanted to bring up ending therapy today, but didn't get around to it. It felt so good talking about how far I've come since I started therapy with her, that I just let it go for next time. But seriously, I want to talk about termination. Not that I'm planning on quitting anytime soon, but I want to talk about it - I want to talk about what it looks like, how I will know when it is time, how we will go about doing it. In the past when I've tried, I have been nowhere near ready, and I would always end up crying, too overwhelmed by the feelings of loss that came just thinking about ending. When I think about ending now, I feel sadness, yes, but I am still happy underneath it all. I recognize that the sadness is a feeling and that I know now how to work with my feelings. Before, the feelings of loss would overwhelm me like I said and there was no "happy underneath" if that makes any sense. (ETA: I think she was sensing some of this. At one point I noticed her dabbing her eyes a little, like she was trying not to cry. But I didn't say anything. I need to think on that some. )

Well I will stop spamming the couch now. At least I am happy-spamming, unlike some of my spammings in the past!

Melissa Etheridge "Falling Up"