Again today I try to push my fiance away. I know I would never let him walk out of my life but my self hate is fighting me. He wants me to take my meds to be normal for him but I can't bring myself to do it because no matter what I will never feel good enough for him. I just wish the self hate would stop. I want to love myself because I have been told you can't truly love someone else till you love yourself first. He just left the house and we were fighting when he did. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want him to walk away. I love him but I can't stop the self hate. I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn't some stupid bipolar mess.