You're a sneaky one, Angela. You know just what buttons to push to get the reaction you want. You're going to be a terrific psychologist.

Yes, I have a fabulous relationship with my T, I love him with all my heart and am so grateful for all he's done for me. So the first time I cut in about a year (May or June or so), I felt so horrible that I spent the entire session sitting in his office, bawling my eyes out because I let him down. He had knocked himself out for MONTHS trying to get me through that particular issue, and I blew it, and I was devastated because I wasn't good enough to be strong.

This last time I cut, I started with an aluminum can lid and progressed to trying something with scissors and my stomach. I walked into therapy the next night, said "I cut, and I didn't want to stop," and there were no tears and no self-hatred, just blah. Nothing. No feeling at all.

I'm still there. I don't feel a damn thing for myself. I don't care what happens to me, and now that I know that neither my T or pdoc gets mad at me when I cut, why shouldn't I? I keep hearing in my head the discussion in group therapy yesterday. I told someone who is a wreck over the death of her mother that I envied her, for having that kind of relationship with her mother. Mine abused me and I don't know if I'll feel anything at all when she dies. I can't really say I love her. I'm sorry that this woman is hurting so badly, but I think it would be wonderful to miss a parent that much.

But somehow the discussion turned around to me. This same woman teaches 1st grade, about the age I was when the abuse started. She and the T running the group tried to convince me that no one deserves to be hurt, especially innocent little kids. But you know what? I do. At core, I am a bad person. So I deserve bad things. And I got them. And it only makes sense now to give them to myself, because I'm still bad.

I'll give Gregory a thought, but I don't know if it will be enough.

Candy