I wanted to share a message I sent to my t this morning. It happened after I had earlier sent a message from a dissociated, smaller part, and I was feeling that shame and regret that always kicks in later...that feeling that what I said in the earlier message could not possibly be real or legitimate, that it could not possibly represent who I am and how I feel. That somehow, the dissociated parts of me are just imagined, or I made them up for attention or something...that there must be some other explanation than that I have DID. Have any of you ever felt this way?

T,

I realize I sent that message earlier, and that realization haunts me. I can't really be like that. I can't believe it's possible that I would be that dissociative. I don't think it could possibly be real. Maybe it's just my imagination, or maybe I made it all up somehow without knowing it. Couldn't that be possible? Something in me just keeps saying this can't be who I am. There has to be some other explanation.

I know that if those "expressions" and "feelings" really are part of who I am, then to deny that would be damaging to me. But if I knew for a certainty that I am that dissociative, and that the things you witness me saying and doing when I don't have enough strong control over my reactions is proof of that...well, I just don't know how to accept something like that. something that seems so "out there" and unbelievable.

I would absolutely hate the idea that maybe I've somehow made all of this up for attention or something. That would be so selfish and almost unforgiveable really. But sometimes I think knowing that I made it up would be easier than finding out that I didn't.