I was first dxed at 18 and I reeled against it. I had never had euphoria and thus concluded I had never been manic. I did not know about mixed states at the time, which I got frequently. Cue a year of absolute hell culminating in a sui attempt and my first round of ECT. After ECT I got hypomanic but didn't recognize it as such. I also dealt with a lot of trauma from my past that was holding me back so I didn't believe I had BP. I was very functional for six years; finished college, got married, had a baby. I believed I had BPD and that I was cured.

Then when I was 25 I fell into depression. Throughout my six years of relative stability I had had blips of depression but they only lasted for a few days so I never thought anything of it. This one lasted months. I hurt myself for the first time in years. Then I had my first euphoric mania. Then I went I a rapid cycling roller coaster ride for another year, constantly ditching meds, constantly thinking it was all made up or being caused by the meds themselves.

It wasn't until I was off meds for 6 months and experienced psychotic mania all on my own that I finally believed the dx.

I think accepting it has given me much more strength. I'm not constantly fighting against myself. I've grown to see it as a part of me that I cannot change. Now instead of aggravating episodes I do everything in my power to manage them, including accepting med changes. I no longer view myself as a sick person. I just have a chronic illness that sometimes flares, like chronic pain. It just is what it is.

I've been stable for nearly six months, which is the longest I've gone since this whole mess started. And that's with the added trauma of my husband's death. I'm very proud of myself for making it this far and thankful to have found meds that worked. I know now that it could rear its ugly head at any moment but I have the tools to deal with it now.