I wasn't sure exactly where to post this but since the overall point is my self esteem, I figured it would be best here. My childhood was pretty rough. I grew up in a trailer with an alcoholic abusive father and my mother was an alcoholic as well. All the memories I have are of drunken people laying on the living room floor, me asking my father to turn the music down as I had school in the morning, him coming into my room at 3am to read out of the bible- drunk, seeing my father rape my mother, hearing and seeing him shoot his black powder rifles at her or random places in the house. We had holes in the walls, ceilings, floors. Mom and I would leave when he got really mean and sleep in the camper at my grandparents next door. Dad would cut the brake lines in the car so we couldn't leave. Porn played constantly on the TV. Once home from school, father would send us to our room so him and his buddies could watch porn. My brother molested me in the shower one time. I could go on and on... but the reason for this is the most recent things I have learned. I am 30 years old now. A few years ago my mom told me she was raped repeatedly by her uncle. She told her parents and the police and because of this he started a fire outside of her room one night and their whole house burnt down. Luckily they were away camping. I was told soon after that my fiance was raped my his female babysitter, his sister was raped by their brother, my sister was raped by her babysitter, I've had nieces come to me and tell me that they were raped by a babysitter, one was molested by her sister. My cousin told me that another one of my sisters molested him, she used to babysit me so often that i called her "mommy". Another niece told me her brother raped her repeatedly and when she told her mother, she said "you had sex with your brother!?". The last job I had (in 2013) , I was sexually harrassed by my boss, the owner. He tried to bribe me with a raise in exchange for photos of my fiance, naked. He told me my butt looked like a man's (he is gay, im a female) and finally.. one day, he grabbed my pony tail and bent me over a table, thrusting his pelvis into my behind. I learned after that even though he is an "upstanding businessman" in my town, that he had gone to prison for sodomy with under age boys.
Just recently a friend of years who I met on Facebook (because we had the same spine deformity) crossed a line sexually as well. He knew I was/am happily engaged. I was there for him for support from bully's and his deformity. He was 10 years younger than me. He eventually told me that he was transgender. I helped him/her through that. He chose the same name I have. One day out of the blue he sent me a dirty picture, of him at attention, while in a hospital bed. Then proceeded to tell me what happened shortly after... I NEVER gave off a vibe like I was interested, I am very careful with that as you can tell by my past, I'm a bit cautious. It has hardened me and made me less trustworthy . .
After multiple therapy visits and an increase in my anti depressants, I started to accept everything. well, not really accept it all, but I learned to cope. I told myself that I am not them, that I am my own person. I stayed away from those that reminded me of the negativity, focused on mindfulness meditation, I started eating better and excercising (which for me is very difficult- I am disabled now and see 12 different specialists) I figured that if I loved myself, really treated myself good then eventually the good feelings about myself would follow. And they started to.
Then I overheard a family member talking this past weekend about how I was planned and conceived so that my parents would receive more welfare. My brother and I both. Now I feel like I've taken so many steps back. This seems to keep happening to me! My therapist said to set boundaries, I am not my family's therapist, etc. I did that. Yet here I am again, it's like the universe wants me to feel as ugly and inferior as anyone could ever possibly feel. I cannot stand living sometimes. I don't understand why I am here, alive. What is the point? To see how much one person can take? I'm tired of hearing some horrible traumatic thing involving my family or I once a week. I don't know what to do to get past this. I don't see my therapist for over a month. I haven't written on here in years. Thank goodness for this site because I don't know who else I would talk to and I just had to let it out. Thank you in advance for any advice or words of wisdom. I feel so alone in this and like no one could ever understand.