Hello. I'm writing this because I am starting to run out of ideas what to do for quite a while now. It just seems pointless to communicate with people about it anywhere for numerous reasons, one of them being, it's not like anyone else is going to solve my issues. Often I am drifting in confusion what to think at all, I am tired of trying to motivate myself that I have some understanding and control of my problems and that I need to try move on, but it's just inconsequential in the long run whenever I try. There are some things happening in my life and I probably have some understanding of it all, but after 2 years I am nowhere close to solving the issues that truly matter to me, it feels like I've been having some success in certain life obligations that grant me no joy or quality of life that I wished for.

To cut a long story short, when I was a kid a year or two before the approximately normal time of puberty I began to bloom faster than my peers around me, usually girls are the first to mature in this regard, but I do not remember feeling any similar connection with the people around me with what I felt. I didn't think much of it, what kind of understanding I could have had at that age about sexuality? I simply do not know. Nonetheless, I started to follow my urges with simple masturbation, then from magazines to the access and resources of the internet, in between it all with quite unusual deviations from normal sexuality that early in my life. At age 22 by chance I stumbled across information that related to me how I feel, that made some sense to me why I am the person that I am. Gradually from that point on I concluded that I am emotionally undeveloped, that I have no joy in life, with a lack of interests, understanding of social norms, that I have been living all of my life without a healthy expression of sexuality. The cause seems to be addiction to pornography, sexual dysfunctions that have severely impacted my growth and existence as a human being. Slowly over time while trying to stabilize my addiction I understood more and more how badly damaged I am and what I have missed out in life.

I am diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, depression and other things that are just some byproducts of the whole package.

I do not know how to meaningfully connect with the people around me on an emotional level, nor with myself for that matter. It's difficult to explain, most of the time I do not understand why and how other people socialize so fluently, spontaneously, how other people enjoy the company of each other. When I am around people I feel like I have nothing to say that would grant some sort of connection, I can lead relatively normal discussions based on intellectual properties, but whenever I need to show true interest and enthusiasm about others, when I need to feel close, respond to others with the same joy, humor, charisma and so on, I feel like there's either something missing in me, something is damaged and not working properly. When I should smile and be happy or the opposite, I often just do not feel what I am supposed to feel. I do not understand how people relate with such compassion, empathy and emotion in general to the events happening to them in their lives.

I feel so empty, void, stagnant, lonely, anxious and I have these ****ed up urges of sexuality that do not portray a healthy desire of communicating with other people, feelings and a lack of motivation to follow and develop meaningful interests in my life. I can't love, there's no purpose.

I have been fighting so hard with the current status quo that I have been periodically burning out in the past 8 months, there are too many days when I simply do not have physical and mental fortitude to continue, very small things become very hard. I have been trying to beat my problems with intellectual wit developing coping patterns and trying to reach higher understanding in hopes of finding answers and perspective that will allow me to move a bit further under the banner of sheer willpower.

As you can see I've pieced together some things, but I am so tired and I've ran in too many "paradoxes" that I cannot resolve. I do not know how to fix myself, I am tired of weighting the probabilities of my actions based on my gut feeling of what the next move should be. At this rate I will get old and even more miserable.

I have managed to get a job, probably for not too long, but the money I will receive at the end of the month partially is going to be spent on a few psychotherapist sessions that I can allow. After 6 days I will meet up with my psychiatrist and get some medication that should help me with burning out.

In the meantime I just lose more time, it's already difficult to withstand my daily state of mind. If you can contribute your experience with similar problems or do you feel that you have something meaningful to say, I will listen.