I tried last night to keep my mouth shut and I just don't have it in me. (I'm Jewish! Lol)

I told h that I now think that what I have is C-PTSD with dissociation. That's why I check out during sex and have the out of body experience. Someone posted this in the OCD section and it was the first time I heard of it. So, the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD was actually right, except he didn't explain this to me. That jerk cost me many years of pain by not explaining what he meant to me! Instead he told me to go buy shoes! Anyway--

I discussed this with h and said I am willing to move on in our marriage if I can find some way to forgive him and recover from the trauma he has caused me.

But, every time I address something he did negative, he just counters back with something positive to defend himself. I ended up crying and fighting with him over it. This has happened time and time again, just like his inability to learn about what I want sexually. It's gaslighting to the point of madness!

I'm exhausted. I took something I think was an Ambien and slammed my head against the wall a couple times. I don't remember much else after that.

Meanwhile, my mom just broke both her wrists and I've been having to deal with that.