Anyway, I'm just going down this path as a distraction. Husband came home from work. I told him I'm moving back out, yet again, because I can't stop crying and panicking from him. He just pleads with me not to. I feel so helpless and trapped, I took another Ambien to check out and I am dissociating. I will check out mentally.

I have to pull myself together later today for a meeting with a customer. It seems I am able to pull that off like a champ and nobody knows how I am, even with swollen eyes.

I think I'll remember the time I went to a party with catamaran guy. It was Halloween and it was a lingerie party. I wore this black lace witchy shear dress and thigh high boots. We danced in his friend's house that had all the furniture removed and had strobe lights and loud dance music. It was so much fun.

He had asked me to give a ride to the girl who was living with him and after him. I said no. Yes I am a B. So this girl took a taxi ride that cost a fortune to the party and wore a tiny camisol that barely covered her. She was seething with jealousy toward me and I didn't care-- he was mine!