Eden, do you remember writing this yesterday on the bipolar forum?

"I feel horrible i ruined everything there is literally no way out of here that doesnt involve mass murder and if i crossed that line i think i would just make things more difficult."

This is a kind of thinking that is really illustrative of how unwell you are right now. I hope you accept the treatments available to you so that you feel less desperate and can think more clearly. The difficult irony for you right now is that you are so unwell you cannot see how unwell you are. Hopefully with treatment you well gain some calm and better insight. Best wishes to you.