Hello dear forum,

I'm in a bit of a stalemate with my therapist, and I'm not really sure how to address things with her, so maybe some of you can support me with some ideas how to proceed...

My partner of 15 years and I are currently in a bit of a rough patch, my severe depression over the last couple of years being one big contributing factor. I already feel quite guilty about that one.

Last session we (T and I) talked about the situation. My partner and I are nowhere near splitting up, but we are at completely different points at the moment, heading into different directions, and I feel there is not much that can be done about this. Which is ok for me at some days, because that in itself doesn't mean that we won't connect, and on other days I find it kind of threatening.

So, last session T kept pointing out how certain behaviours from my side (might) affect my partner. I can understand why she would do that - to challenge my perception that the basic situation might be out of my control (which I know it isn't really).

Problem is, that even those rather small challenges from her side propelled me into intense emotional flashbacks of feeling guilty, feeling shamed and jugded. And from then onwards things went really downhill, I "checked out", dissociated, went numb. Struggled for a couple of days afterwards to regain my balance.
Her focus on my partner's perception and needs/wants *automatically* carries the message for me that my needs/wants/desires don't count *at all*. Even though I rationally know that this is *not* what she said. It's just part of the legacy of my fundamentalist upbringing.

In session I mentioned that I find this situation/conversation we're having rather difficult. And she agreed that we should talk about this some more.

I'm quite clear for myself what has been happening and why (emotional flashback). And that in itself is good. But I'm unsure how to deal with situations like this in the future. What do I need? I cannot and I don't want to avoid being challenged by my T. That's part of her job and I know that being challenged is part of the process of changing... And it wasn't that her tone or what she said in session was particularly judgmental or shaming. It seems to be my 'emotional makeup' that things like that trigger me quite easily. At least at the moment.

I'm not sure about what I want from my T in situations like this. Part of me wants to avoid being challenged altogether. Because it is so freaking painful und uncomfortable. Another part of me knows that only by being challenged and exploring how this makes me feel, things will start to change. that only by going into those situations my crosswired brain might gradually realize that this is not a life-and-death situation any longer, that there are different options, and it's not about being a sinner and being fundamentally wrong like it was when I was a kid.

My question is, how T and I can go about this differently so this might not be so immensely triggering. I know I need more space to explore. I seem to go off the wrong end once T starts (for whatever reason) to be more directive in her suggestions or interpretations. But I don't want to come across as over sensitive (well, maybe I am???), as needing to be treated with kid gloves. Also I get the feeling that I might benefit from some sort of meta-check-in in between, of pausing and listening inside how x, y or z makes me feel right now. So we would hopefully catch things a bit sooner, and I could try and hold the feeling without needing to dissociate.
Are there any other ideas / suggestions out there? I would really appreciate your input and maybe even you experiences with situations like this. Thanks in advance!

cinnamon_roll