*Trigger*So, I just found out some news. Nothing's for certain but my doctor wants me to go for a PET scan and an MRI. There's a possibility that my cancer's relapsed. There's also a possibility that it's reached my brain. Again, nothing's for certain. Could be meningitis, mono, lymphedema, some weird virus I've never hear of, who knows. I could just be really sick. If it is back, I've fought it and won once, right? I could do it again.
If I can't, though; what does it all mean? What was the point of fighting for so damn long through so much of my life? What did I actually accomplish? Was it all to make me strong enough to do what I did the last time I had it? To make everything seem okay, never freak out, make a joke of it and encourage everyone else so that they wouldn't get lost in it all? I don't know if I can do that again.
If it is back, will I even fight it this time? What's the point? I was told that if it ever came back then we'd just be buying time instead of hopefully curing it because if it comes back, there's a huge chance that it's straight to my brain and/or spreading to stage four. Melanoma at stage four has never been cured and the longest someones lives post-diagnosed is maybe five years if they're doing treatment the entire time. I don't want to live that way, never again. It was worse than actually being sick. I'm depressed about this news but I don't know if this is the right forum for this rant....
Why did I fight just to die too young to ever make a real difference? Why do I fight just to be put under and forgotten?