I am really so confused. Even as I am typing this I don’t really know what to say but I know I want to say something because I want answers. Answers to questions I don’t even know. I have a wonderful family and partner who has always been there for me and tried to understand me although sometimes I don’t even understand myself.

But once again I am at the crossroad - although knowing this train of thought is maybe only temporary doesn’t make it any less painful. Is there something wrong with me or not. What is wrong with me? Am I really sick or am I fixating on a thought process imprinted on me years ago of how a depressed/bipolar person is supposed to think and act.

First of all it is important to define exactly what abnormal behaviour is, or for that matter a psychological illness. It also depends on which frame of reference you use to define it. In a way all ‘normal’ people might have some degree of psychological illness. Basically -for me- it comes down to three things: Psychological Dysfunction (cognitive, emotional or behavioural), Personal Distress and Atypical or not Culturally Expected Behaviour. Also the degree of impairment in these three aspects determine the severity of the illness, if any.

So… How do I know if it is real or not? With all the information at hand, all I can do is give a subjective opinion regarding myself. I can get information from past happenings and situations as well as consider opinions from psychiatrists and psychologists.

The question that I have been asking myself for a while now is if all this has only been conditioned by years and years of therapy, treatment and different diagnosis. I was first diagnosed with a major depressive episode when I was 16 years old - by a GP. That is nearly 15 years ago. Have I been conditioned into thinking that there is something wrong with me, that I need the crutch of therapy otherwise I might have a breakdown. The belief that I have depression - therefore I should definitely be in therapy. Since I took that antidepressant for the first time 15 years ago, I haven’t stopped taking medication, who says I won’t be fine without it. I can’t even remember what emotions I experienced when I was that age that deserved a diagnosis of major depression.

Is it real, I don’t know. I can write a 100 more pages to debate and give my philosophies on the topic. So basically it comes down to what I believe and why I so desperately seek these answers. The things that are problematic are essentially in my core personality. I am not saying I have a disorder. It is just my opinion that my personality is a bit flawed. I definitely have some traits of the bad cluster. I experience my emotions more intense than most people. I must stop myself from being impulsive and reckless on a regular basis within various aspects of my life. I am lazy sometimes, I want the easy way out, I don’t like to work hard for something, I want it handed to me on a silver plate. I get bored very quickly even with something that used to interest me very much. I lack motivation in almost everything and I must work hard to motivate myself even for the smallest task like brushing my teeth. I don’t trust people and I have no need to make new friends. Yet I want people to think I am important and very intelligent, I want everyone to like me and I think there is something wrong with them if they don’t. I am very dependant on certain people, sometimes for making decisions, for fear of just being alone, for recognition and for love - I will try and avoid abandonment at any cost. I definitely have an unstable self image and I feel empty most of the time.

So why could this be? Is it genetic or biological or does the problem lie within me, my behaviour and my perception of the world around me?

Thanks taking time to read my story