So my session tonight didn't go too well. I completely shut down. I told T how I'd been thinking about our previous session and that I think part of the reason I felt upset was because there was a client before me and I was worried she liked them more than me plus I was already worried about what she would think about the dream I told her about. We talked about all that a bit and then T asked me if I had any more thoughts on the dream we discussed before. It was at this point I kind of shut down and T asked what was going on for me. I told her I had actually had another dream about her since our last session but I didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't explain why but I just didn't want to talk about anything at that point.

T said it is like I'm in a little cave and slowly over a few weeks I approach the entrance but then something scares me and I retreat. We talked about what was stopping me from engaging in therapy. I felt sad that T doesn't think I'm engaging because I'm really trying to. I think it was around this point that T ran out of ways to get me to open up and she said that it is kind of up to me what we do for the rest of the session. I felt very upset and on the verge of tears at this point and somehow T managed to continue talking until the end of the session so we didn't end up in silence.

I feel even more worried that T doesn't like me after this session. I think I kind of see T as an idealised mother but when I don't feel connected I feel really disappointed and kind of exasperated/annoyed (similar to how I feel towards my actual mother when she tries to get me to open up).