I had a session a bit like yours last week and I know it really does take it toll. This is one of the reasons I could not reply when I initially read your post. I too feel like I am in a little cave as your T describes and I don't think that is too uncommon for people. I want my T to come in the cave with me, or at the very least to stand at the doorway.

I have a terrible memory I am afraid and I can't remember how you and your T work together but I know for me the use of play helps to build the connection between us in an informal way, like on Tuesday we played with the marble run together. There was no 'real' therapy at all. Just building the relationship which is what it sounds like to me that you need. I used to hate that word too but I see it as important now.

My T also encourages working in whatever way helps me to open up, whether that is drawing or writing, reading out my writing, showing her my journal or whatever it is. I used to shut down a lot more than I do now and one thing that helped is that I bought a bear and that now lives with T. When she can see that it is getting hard she offers me the bear and in some way even the offering helps because it shows me that she can see that this is hard and that she wants to help. She also asks if she can move closer and she has held my hands a few times, even once I managed to ask her to hold my hand while she read my poem.

All I am getting at is that opening up is hard to do if you are not used to it. I got frustrated again today because it is so hard for me too and my T said that when you have no experience of saying words like this in front of someone it is going to be hard and may take time.

We have just spent three sessions trying to rebuild the connection that was lost last week, and that is work in itself. I told my T I didn't feel she was there with me when I needed her. It is so hard to say these things and sometimes they need to be written and spoken or just written and shown, but only by being brave and telling her how things really are for you will tiu get the outcome that you want.

Nothing I have seen you post gives me any indication that your T is fed up with you but I can so understand that feeling, I really can. If you want advice then maybe just give yourself time, however hard that is. Ask your T directly, because that is the only way you are going to get an answer. Think of things that will help you and see if you can implement these into your therapy. It has made such a difference not only in my therapy but in my life as a whole. There is a long way to go and it is going to take time but it is possible, little by little, one step at a time.

If you don't want advice then I apologise for the above, ignore it all and trust me that I hear you, you are not alone. It is hard, tough, impossible, frustrating and heartbreaking when you don't feel that connection. I am sorry you are struggling.