How do you make yourself do what’s best for your recovery?

I know what I should be doing, I know what seems to help. But I always seem to do the opposite.

I started taking lithium a couple of months ago and for the first time in ages I felt ok. It took a few weeks, maybe a month but the constant state of being suicidal just suddenly stopped. Unfortunately it was giving me side effects, I felt really nauseous. One night I forgot to take it, and I felt so much better the next day. I just didn’t want to take it after that. It’s now been 3 weeks with no meds.

I came clean today finally that I hadn’t been taking it. Had to take in my collection of pills, and now have to rethink if I want to be taking it, if I can commit to taking it.

My mood is slowly heading down again, I’ve been self harming more again. Drinking more. It’s just a matter of time before the suicidal thoughts come back.

The problem is that I don’t think I can commit to the lithium. I might agree to take it again, but I just know at some point I will stop again. It’s what I do.

How do I break this cycle? I want to be well. I know what I need to do to be well. But I just can’t seem to do it. How do I make myself do it? How do you make yourself?