I finally got my nerve up, as I mentioned about a week ago, to begin the process of finding a new therapist. I interviewed my first one last week, and it seemed to go ok. However, she called me to follow up and give me her recommendation. It was a very awkward conversation. For someone who makes a living out of being impartial and hiding her own emotions during conversations, she sucks.

It was, as I said, very awkward. She said, "Based off of our meeting the other day, I think it would be best ... I am going to recommend ... that you find somebody else." I said, " ... Ok?" I expected a little bit more of an explanation. She said, "You mentioned things, like wanting to do phone sessions. Given the extent of my practice, I think ... I am going to recommend ... that you see someone else". It was just like that. Very stilted.

What does "extent of my practice mean?" Like her level of experience? Phone sessions were the second most important criteria for me in my search, because I will be going back to school later this Fall. I asked her about whether she did phone therapy the first time I spoke with her - before I even met her in person. And she assured me that she did do phone therapy. So I don't know why she used that as an excuse.

I was telling my old therapist, whom I am still talking to every so often while I find someone else, about this meeting. She and I agree that it was most likely my history that made this therapist wary of taking me on as a client. I was caught in the middle of a dispute between one of my past therapists and a hospital when I was in residential a few years ago. They accused her of being unethical and it was a whole thing - I was forced to terminate, made to see a therapist found by the hospital, it reinforced all the trust issues that I already have, etc. I didn't tell this new person that I was interviewing any of the details, only that I had a rocky history with transitioning from therapists and that it was something that I would want to process somewhere down the road, without judgment from her. She pressed for more details and I didn't tell her anything except for that I was forced to terminate with a therapist after the hospital accused of being unethical. I gave her no names, no details. My current therapist told me that to another therapist who doesn't know me, I sound like trouble because I either sound like a drama queen, someone who has a reputation of accusing therapists (which I technically didn't do, the hospital did), or a possible legal case. All of which are red flags.

So I was rejected by a therapist. I didn't even know that they could do that. It's hard not to take it personally. I'm trying to move on and find someone new but everything from my past continues to follow me around and cause trouble. Sigh. I don't know how many more interviews I have in me. What if I run out of steam before I find someone who fits?