As a woman who struggles with self-esteem and self-sabotage, I can feel your frustration.

It becomes a conscious choice to change your negative thoughts. I have started yelling STOP at myself when I see how hurtful my thoughts are, hurtful to me. Who cares what others think, it's what you think about yourself that counts. And if I ever treated anyone else as badly as I treat myself, I would be angry and hurt. So why do I do it to myself? I've learned it somewhere and I am determined to unlearn it now.

Hugs to you - the first step in making changes it realizing that you want something to change.