Sometimes... I'll only allow myself to feel connected when I know he is going away soon. It is like I can let him in because I know there is an out. Then, when his leaving approaches, I really withdraw back from him (by feeling numb) or I really shove him away (by feeling frustrated / angry / misunderstood).

Push-pull...

It is hard. Fears of being alone and longing for closeness on the one hand... Fears of being engulfed and longing to get away on the other. Damned if you do and damned if you don't - at least thats how I feel sometimes.

Hang in there. I think therapy is something like a dance where there are moments of real closeness and then one or the other or both parties whirl off to dance by themself for a bit before being reunited. together and apart and together and apart over and over and over. and i guess the idea is that ultimately... we will be able to better tolerate the together and... better tolerate the apart too.