Hi. I know exactly how you feel. I'm so sorry. It's horrible, isn't it?
Although I don't have BPD, the identity instability/disturbance is one of a few symptoms I can definitely identify with. I came to the realization that I was transgender a few years ago but because of my identity instability, I can't decide which gender I am or whether I want to live full time as one or the other. Social situations make it worse. My gender identity changes depending on who I'm with and how I feel.
Like you, my identities are also dissociated. I dissociate if I present as a female or a male, but each in different ways. When I feel myself about to dissociate because of my gender dysphoria or my identity feeling like it's slipping away and changing from male to female, I find the only way to bring myself back is to think of myself as neutral, neither male or female or somewhere half way between the two. I stick to neutral names and pronouns, clothing, colours, hobbies, behaviour etc., even though I'm pretty sure that I am transgender and can't imagine the rest of my life in this body. I also try to think of myself as a person before a gender identity, if that makes sense. That way I don't feel so dysphoric and I feel more free to behave how I want to behave rather than how my gender should behave. All of this helps me get by in the short term. Long term, I'm afraid I don't have the answers. Therapy has done nothing for me either, even therapy intended for BPD.
I sometimes find it helpful to talk to other people on transgender forums. All I can suggest as a starting point is to maybe try that and see if you can find any answers there.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
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