So my husband just got a new job in another city. It's a better job with a pay increase from his current job so we are really excited about that. We are moving in 2 weeks. The city is where I was born and where my family is so I'm excited to be so close to them. I still have to find a job but I'm going to wait until we are there because I have to find a new daycare for my kids. I also had a new baby 3 weeks ago. I'm on maternity leave with my job so I'm going to have to call (though I'm thinking about writing) and telling them I'm not coming back. I'm super nervous about doing that.

There is so much going on right now I have been cutting more than usual and have been having issues with anger/ rage again. I feel like I am worse than my kids and am so ashamed for how I lash out at times. I don't have a new T or Pdoc lined up yet so I really don't have any support system at the moment. I am going to wait until we get our new insurance. I don't know how I will get time off for appointments after I start a new job either. Ugh. I hate having to deal with life. I get overwhelmed so easily, and before I know it I'm coping in an unhealthy way. I've already started smoking and drinking again since my daughters been born, though I do limit alcohol. I've also started reducing my calories to 1200 a day to lose weight. Which has been working, im just nervous I'll cut calories even further life I used to. Some how all these things help to dull the emotional pain and give me an outlet for stress. I know it's so unhealthy it's just all I can do to cope right now.

A month ago (before my daughter was born) I really felt like I wasn't having any BPD issues. And now, I'm back at square 1.