My medical records were collected by my lawyer when i appealed my disability benefits denial. After the case was settled, he gave them to me. There were about 1000 pages. I was disappointed by how dull and full of errors they were. Also, my first psychiatrist conveniently 'lost' the first part of my file covering about two years, probably because he saw me off-campus for this weird, hippie therapy and that's against medical ethics.

But there was this one assessment that was disarming. It was by a psychiatrist i dismissed at the time because he seemed meek. But boy, could that guy write! He said i was smart and that this was my 'big advantage' but it was also a disadvantage because i may 'outsmart any therapeutic endeavor.' So sort of a back-handed compliment. And it's true. If i don't like therapy i'll find some reason to reject it.

He was also the only one to commit himself to a diagnosis. He said i had traits of personality disorder, notably borderline and narcissistic, in a setting of considerable mood disturbance. I think that guy had a lot of insight and i've accepted his diagnosis. It shed a light on a lot of my behaviour.