I was lying in bed last night thinking about all the times I've wanted to secretly watch myself being cared for....wondering where this is coming from...wondering if I would ever get that comfort that I truely search for?....then thought about T and boundaires and edges and man being cursed with his own freedom the moment of birth and then it just kinda of hit me..I felt this feeling as if I was falling through a hole into the abyss and knew this was how I had felt as a baby and child being swopped around from one mother to another mother without this mourning and pain ever being seen...the tears just came and in the dark I could have sworn I was watching a home movie of me as a child ...running playing trying to find joy from the pain that I wasn't able to understand...I grabbed the pillow next to me and the tears and pain just came and I felt so sorry that I had never seen the courage of this child before...all she had done to get through...I knew that no one could ever give me this same amount of comfort because they are not me...not inside of me...only we can feel our own comfort and forgiveness....others can lead the way and show us we're worth it....but the feeling of being in touch with that pain was an experience well worth waiting for....the child,me, was happy and skipping around the room and I couldnt get over all these yrs she's been just an image standing just to the left of me looking at me longing...and I would feel so angry toward her...what was she doing?...now I knwo she's been patiently waiting for me to recognise her...make her real...its all good.