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I'm not a survivor because I am still right there.

I just left my abused familly behind me. It was hard but I did it. But I'm still being abused by my husband. I can't say what I want to say, can't give my opinion, can't say how I feel, can't do anything.

He says do whatever you want but this is not true. Everytime I try to say something or do something he starts yelling and gets angry. And I can't deal with anger, I just back away, keep silent. I thought that I didn't want to reply to him at times because I was scare of hurting him but I found out lately that this is not it. I'm scare of being more hurt and quitting.

nightdream

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Nightdream, you are completely entitled to feel scared and admit that this is the emotion that undermines you.

If you can somehow get the message to your husband that 'angry shouting' is hurting you so much, he might understand. If he is not an abusive person, then he owes you this respect, if he is abusive then I think you need outside help.

The pain goes deep when we've been through a dysfunctional family. I can deal with a lot of hard things, but if I were to hear my father's angry voice again, I would be like jelly. Before he died, I tried to tape record his angry ranting, so I would have some evidence. I had a little recorder, but he found it and stopped me. Of course, abusers never want any evidence of what they do. They know that what they do is bad, that's why it has to be hidden.

I hope that your husband can wise up to this, as you need some space to get well in. If you could both get to a counsellor that might be the best chance for you.

Gentle thoughts to you, Myzen

PS - There is a lot of love in the world; some of us just landed in the wrong place.