First I'm glad to hear that you are protecting yourself & being safe! It's just a huge pet peeve of mine & im happy to hear you're being smart in this area.

Second......if all of this has triggered such a huge episode that you were hospitalized I think you need to reevaluate the relationships & what you're looking for.
I understand guilt very well. But I also understand forgiveness as well. If you made some mistakes, learn from them & give yourself a chance to move on. This might take some time to do. Process it & answer your own questions of "why."
Really, just my opinion....I need to take my own advice! But I hope things can work out for you!!