hey.

i kind of think of it like this... when we are little we don't have the resources (cognitive capacity and the like) to regulate distress. so other people do that for us by changing our diapers and feeding us and rocking us and cooing to us and stuff like that. and then we get to internalise that... and we can do some of it for ourselves. and over time we can do more and more of it for ourselves. its never perfect, though, 'cause we are social beings and 'no man is an island'.

but i didn't get a lot of my distress soothed. my mother was a pretty big source of distress, too, which didn't help really. i remember a lot of times from ages 7 on, really, where i'd feel really very distressed in the evenings in particular. and i had no idea at all what was wrong or what i needed or what would help. there were probably those kinds of experiences before then, too, but i don't really remember them.

i still feel the distress a lot. and sometimes (especially at night) i kind of feel like i am that kid who was upset. or that i'm watching her or something. my dbt therapist used to say to me 'be kind to yourself' and she used to smile to me kindly. i guess sometimes i'd imagine her saying it to the kid - or i'd imagine saying it to the kid myself. holding her or cooing to her or something. and it kind of helps. i never really learned how to be kind to myself until i had some experience with therapists being kind to me.

i was telling my current therapist at some point... that the pain was hard... but that i didn't think i'd ever forget it. that in a way i didn't want to because it would be like betraying a part of myself. i said that i remember i used to think to myself (when i was about 11 or something) 'i will never forget this, i will never forget' when i was particularly upset with my mother. i remember thinking 'this isn't just something that i'll forget in a couple months this will be something that i'll never forget because this is NOT OKAY'. i used to swear that i'd never forgive my mother too... now... i don't spend a great deal of time with her, don't get me wrong, but i can honestly say 'she did the best she could'. so i guess i have forgiven her, but i feel like it would be betraying little me if i ever forgot the pain. maybe my thoughts will change on that over time...

my therapist said that 'maybe they won't'. he said that Breire (or however you spell that) thought that it wasn't about forgetting, it was about remembering. i guess the idea is that i'll always remember, but the pain won't feel so bad over time. i guess i can always remember that the pain was bad then but i won't feel like i need to relive it over and over and over to be true to little me.

i'm not very good at soothing or comforting her / me. haven't had that modelled very much... but kind words from people we care about (therapists in particular - though others too, i guess) can be internalised... most people got that as kids but i guess... its never too late. never too late to learn how to be kind to ourselves.