Hello,

I've been reading this forum for quite some time. I've always meant to join but I was afraid. I've always had a fear that joining would...well I don't know what it would cause but, yes I was afraid.

In any case, I've read many of your stories and cannot count how many times I've felt the same types of pain. I am in my mid thirties and suffer from depression. My doctor, he figures I've maybe suffered from it for many, many years but never really knew...since I always associated a negative stigma with it.

It wasn't until a few years back, after a really bad breakup and terrible health news within my family, I had all these bizarre emotions that were destroying my life. Thankfully, I sought help...but it is an ongoing struggle as you all know.

I work as a home health aid within my family. I am very close to them. Each day I wake up...sometimes I feel like I am in such a haze though. I feel like my life is going nowhere, that what I am doing is pointless.

I obsess about worries that everyone has (finances, health, family) but at unhealthy levels. I try to lose weight, I'm overweight severely, but every time I make progress and feel better, I relapse and put it back on.

I constantly buy movies, television series, games, and try all kinds of hobbies (such as drawing cartoons)...but it is the pursuit of obtaining the item that brings me gratification and out of the funk. As soon as I have the show to watch or game to play, I want nothing to do with it and then get down on myself for wasting time and money.

I do my job well, really well...but it is myself that suffers. Every time I get time for myself to make improvements, or do something mundane like house chores...I let them slip by.

I obsessively worry about time...so much that unless I can think of some grand activity I won't do anything. I end up wasting time by trying to protect my time. And then the anxiety hits because of the time I wasted when it seems like a fruitless march of doom to an endless void.

I don't know why I am writing all this. Perhaps because it is easier to open myself anonymously to strangers than face to face...or perhaps I feel lonely and walk someone to talk to. I don't know...but as I always write in my home journal, I'm so tired of being tired.