Hello Unicornia: The Skeezyks recalls having read your introductory post. I don't know... What you describe sounds to me, from my layperson's perspective, to be somewhat Bipolar? But, truth be told, I have no idea really. And neither will anyone else here on PC.

What needs to happen here is for you to find a mental health professional (a therapist or counselor of some sort... whatever is available in your country), someone who does in-depth mental health therapy, work with that person, & be honest with her / him about what's going on with you. That is the way to heal.

I know you want to try to keep this all a secret. But, trust me, that simply doesn't work. I did that, literally, for decades. (To a large extent I'm still doing it.) And in the process I destroyed my own life as well as the lives of a number of others who deserved infinitely better from me. And, in the end, it all came crashing down anyway. So I send warm hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find the strength within to reach out, in real life, for the help you need.