I've been thinking about this recently because it tends to make things harder work for me.
Basically I have some kind of emotional and mental disconnection from the future and which applies also to the present, but less so. Eg at the moment I'm in university and I know logically that in two year's time I am due to graduate. But I am in some way disconnected from it - it doesn't feel like I am at university working towards a degree, I find it hard to associate my current work with what I'm going to get in the future. It feels more like I am doing somebody else's work, somebody I don't know - there is such little emotional involvement. Even work due for next week doesn't seem like it is relevant to my life - a bit as though I'm watching it on TV, so to speak - I am watching everything happen, but not involved in it.
Most of my life is being passed like this. I am going on a week's holiday with my dad in a couple of weeks' time and at the moment it doesn't feel real that I will be going there. Not unreal as in a 'Oh that's wonderful, so good I can't believe it' unreal, but more of a 'I can't realize I am actually going to do something different' kind of unreal.
This also applies to present events too. I end up wondering if I really am doing something and occasionally why I am doing something at all, like a few moments ago I found myself wondering why I was writing this, like I got some jolted back into awareness. Part of my mind feels half-asleep most of the time, as though the part which deals with alertness and reality is asleep. That's really what it feels like, though it is hard to explain.
Does any of this make sense? Does anybody experience anything similar?
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That's why it's such a serious thing to ask a Centaur to stay for the weekend. A very serious thing indeed.
- The Silver Chair
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