I'm new here but have been lurking a while..

Long time therapy user, one disastrous and traumatic T experience (blurred boundaries, mutual unhealthy obsession), many others to try to heal, and finally I have found 'the one'.

I am petrified of getting attached or if any form of transference, and thus far have managed to avoid both: until the last few weeks. Two things have happened.

1) I have found myself drifting into fantasy about him providing me comfort...stroking my head, just sitting with me, and my lifetime favourite: just being there as I sleep. This is familiar territory to me, it feels safe (even with my fears), it's something I have used all the way back to childhood to soothe myself, and it FEELS comforting and 100% consensual.

2) I have started to have unwanted and unpleasant sexual
thoughts about him. Last time, actually in session. I find these immensely distressing as I am not in any way attracted to him, and they do not feel good in any way. Even though I am a 'willing' participant in these
'fantasies', I do not enjoy it and am aware that I am doing these things for him, not me. My mood is grim, the sex from my end is perfunctonary, and he is laughing, in it for himself, not even at all focused on me.

It feels like rape, and last week I blurted that out. I told him it was very sad that I was thinking these things and I know it's not about him, not personal, but right in that moment I was aware I'd become afraid he was going to rape me.

He knows my background & is hugely careful and respectful, I know he will handle this fine. He thanked me for telling him.

My fear is, I really don't want this therapy to become about our relationship. That is my worst nightmare. I know it is where the healing is, but I am
so afraid of bring destroyed by it. Also, in my traumatic therapy, things went off the rails when I started to express longings and yearnings and T started to
magically fulfil them. Soon enough, I lost track of who was longing and yearning for what, and found it impossible to know what was my desire and what was hers. I found myself doing things that were not for or about me, but I couldn't tell that any more.

I know this is a good and ethical T and I know what he says about his ability to hold boundaries, but words don't mean much to me. Last T literally made my fantasies come to life, and even though rationally I know I didn't MAKE her break all her own very rigid rules and boundaries, I do feel like somehow, I wanted, longed and needed so much I broke her. What if I do that to another one?

Anyway - not sure what the question is and sorry this is long.

But I sure would appreciate the chance to talk about this.