I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at 19. It started with mania and became full flown psychosis, I barely slept and was extremely energetic and motivated. Long story short I did something illegal and extremely embarrassing and was handcuffed and taken to the mental hospital on a 51/50 for a week. I had delusions, thought God was speaking to me and that I could control the sun and that my best friend was my soulmate and that we were going to get married. I was released after a week and had been on meds for that week, but refused to Continue after because of the weight gain. I was still ill for a while after that but didn't do anything crazy, gradually the delusions went away and I realized they were false ideas and went into a really depressed phase where I slept almost all day, smoked like crazy, and didn't shower for like 5 days at a time. Finally things got better for me and I made friends and started taking care of myself, but throughout my life since High school I always had severe derealization. It's pretty bad now, as I write this, I feel like it's unreal. I spoke to a psychiatrist a couple months ago and he advised me to take geodon or abilify but said if I could live with my symptoms I'd be fine, because I have a job, go to school, am living and being productive in life so he didn't think it was necessary. The only reason I'm wondering now if I'm becoming manic again, is because I haven't been getting much sleep, not necessarily because I can't but because with work and my friends I'm just busy and drink coffee and go on with my day. Right now I'm worried because I went to bed at 2am and for up at 8, and feel absolutely fine and energized aside from a bit of a headache. I'm also extremely motivated to do better. But aren't these good things ? I'm just trying to watch myself because I dont want to do anything stupid and get arrested or lose anymore friends. I stayed getting therapy but it's really hard to get appointments - and now my family is broke so we're switching insurance and I can't. Also I just turned 21 and have been getting somewhat drunk the past two weekends and last night I had a shot to help me sleep. I guess I'm Just worried about the fact that I didn't get much sleep and feel fine, I had a big coffee though. And last week I was drained and spent a whole day sleeping. Also I know I know it's bad, but I wil NOT take medication, I actually just lost 30 pounds from the depressed phase that i had and have never felt better and am talking to a few guys I really like and I don't want to lose where I'm at right now.
I just need another persons perspective.
Thanks