Hey new to this here, just wanted to express something that's bothering me. I have been with my girlfriend for 5-6 years now we have had many issues with trust and just ultimately I have trouble feeling like she is the one for me anymore. The trouble is we have 2 daughters together and I've become like a father to her 6 year old son. I've been with him for almost his entire life. I have battled depression for years, been in several failed relationships and fear that I am coming up on another on ending badly. I am a light drinker and have an occasional weekend or event which I will have more than usual. I have been pretty good at controlling my emotions when I drink in fact im.usually a pretty happy person when I drink. I know deep down that I have a problem. I don't struggle as I used to in past years but I get to feeling like my relationship amplifies my desire to tune out. I work first shift she works second shift and weekends so we are never together. I do love her deeply but is it wrong that after all I don't feel "in love" with her? I know she had 2 kids in the last 3 years but am I a bastard, or a pig of a man because im not attracted to her anymore? The problem is I have felt like I'm obligated to be with her on account that I would be tearing our family apart if it were otherwise. I expressed my feelings of feeling unfulfilled with our relationship and Ultimately with myself. I had been self medicating for years it wasn't until a month ago that I actually went to a doctor and got on Cymbalta. I feel like my craving for alcohol is stronger I read some forums about people having similar reactions while taking it. I think the idea that I couldn't have a few beers just seemed foolish so I never gave it too much thought. I found that I became agitated with her smoking a cigarette and it just sparked off a torrent of negative comments and ideas I had been having or hadn't ever voiced to her. I told her that we should separate because I feel like I can't ever be myself as long as I'm with someone who doesn't understand me.
I just pushed her away like I always do because I don't know how to love her. Maybe I lost my feelings? Maybe I want to feel like someone could know me better than she ever could that were just too different. It hurts to know I hurt her. My children are everything to me. I fear that I can't make right what feels so wrong. But part of me holds on to a hope that perhaps distance may be what we need to get our own lives together. Our own priorities straight. That prospect of doing it along is frightening yet craved for. I just don't want to feel.like it's my fault that she's unhappy.