Yesterday I went to a monthly T apt.
I explained to him that a small crisis occured and it resulted in a cutting and drinking episode.Ive been doing pretty good for the most part,seroquel,a new script has done wonders for my anxiety.In fact it actually felt very "weird"not having anxiety.....its been apart of my life longer than I can remember.
Anyway,Ive discovered that cutting and drinking etc has a lot to do with the self defeating,emotionally abusive things I replay in my head over and over and my T dug out why.

When I was 13 I got a violent beating from my father(an alcoholic)who snapped when a dress that no longer fit me was flung at him by a neighbor,at his work.He told my dad that I had said the dress was for his daughter because they were charity cases.....this was NOT true.I did it because I knew it would make her happy....I loved that dress.
The beating was bad, when I fell from the blows he picked me up for more or kicked me when I dropped to the floor.
When I finally ran for my room,I dropped to my knees and in a rage pulled out wad after wad of my long blond hair.

It didnt matter to me about the beating....it mattered that my dad thought I could lie ,that he didnt believe me and that everyone thought I was such a terrible,mean person.
Hurting on the outside for me is easy.

Result.....I cut because Im hurt.....the anger is only a mask.
My dad told me I had embarrased him.....made him look bad in the community.SOOOO when I feel embarrased(on a reg basis,some to do with my hypomania)I turn on myself....

This is monumental for me and I wanted to share.
Thanks.