I tell you now, because I will only say this once. Nothing will change my mind what I choose to do with my life, even if I don't want to be alive.

I knew any achievements would only bring me more sadness.

When life has taken your will the love others I thought had for me, losing the every thing that made me me. Taken, as a boy to now, I'm still that boy and I want that pain to forever go away, but everything has been sour.

I can't enjoy life anymore, deep down I want to die. I never wanted to see my life flourish, I couldn't enjoy it, because I hate people.

When you had no choice, and others take everything from you internally. The support you thought you had bails at a second chance they feel it's inconvenient. That's every person I knew in my life and I told her what I feared the most of her, because I wanted to have her understand me.

I'm dying on the inside and no one knows my pain.

You don't understand it, you only see this message out of my desperation to achieve some satisfaction of a goal to gain affection in some way.

If you were abused how I was and tortured and told you were nothing the way I have, you will know what I speak is true to me and me only and to you maybe if it relates.

I did this for her to see my weakness not hidden in plain sight so I can be loved be assured she truly loves me, if not. I don't care for love anymore, I don't care for happiness or success you have all let me down all my life.

I prayed for a miracle, and I waited for the man who hit me to stop, the man who raped and threaten to finish his job taking my family away from me.

He personally promised me he killed them if I exposed his crimes, and the police the authority figures who assured me things be ok, made it worse almost costing me my life. The parents who were oblivious and blissfully could live life without their son at the earliest memories.

The rejection I received from every single human I met.

I am crippled by this guilt and my body is paying for it harshly by my neuro disorder on top of my dystonia, tremors, and constant body pain I feel all over.

The reality of that I was left to die at a moments notice and after seeing this too many times. You can never learn to love anymore.

No one gave me a reason to be safe or feel loved, and I needed her for this.

I don't need a therapist to drug the pain away and make me feel worthless. I don't need anyone to tell me how everything is wrong or how I'm a problem for my feelings. I don't need any of you on this forum for validation.

I know what's going on.

I'm a boy who wasn't supposed to live, and here I am. I had everything taken from me and I strived to make the most out of it, having it taken from me again and again no matter how hard I try.

Only to be harshly judged for my efforts by others and my family, and being outcasted by everyone I let in.

I didn't do drugs, alcohol, or resorted to throwing my life away to vices, I resisted and fought back with the strength in what I believed in fighting for when I was 8 years old. To never let another person treat me so low that I was meant to be left to die shot in the street next to my school never to see anything go right.

I lived my earliest years in my life almost taken from me in an instant the same fate my daughter had when she was aborted and my grandmother by the men who abused her.

I'm still that angry vengeful child that sought for the peace that I'm worthy for love not platonic words and actions. Not temporary conditional love, but love unconditional by any human. I envy every single one of the people who got what I never got.

If I die without it, then I don't care what happens to anyone else. I'm just glad I'm away from here.