its so much easier to do it that way, make the mind blurr out pass out, have some wack dreams and wake up to do it again to keep it from really becoming realized or feeling too much.. but i've been doing that for ever now and im in the position where i cant do it right now because of money / living situation (not allowed) so.. kind of "trapped" and not really able to resort to my ol easy escape techniques.. kind of being pushed to the front and reality slapping me around a lot...

but its really confusing because im not sure whats happening, you know..?

i have feelings, but i dont understand.. i mean sure it makes sense, but it doesnt as well because its just ridiculous..
like this relaxing stuff, for the most part i DO feel utter zen peace and relaxed, but inside is so disturbed and messed up that it doesnt even seem like my feelings, but something coming from the inside to influence how i feel and make me feel all weird and wacky has no other explanation but to be my feelings so i tell myself that im not relaxed and im anxious or something even though it feels wrong.. i think the therapist said that im compartmentalized or something? so maybe its just the different compartments being so seperated and things bleeding through because im not really patching holes and numbing it up with the old routines..?

i dont feel bad.. im annoyed mostly because of these things.. just wish that it would quit so that things can make some sense..

i listen to alot of music, read alot... i have the fan running all the time to keep some type of noise going and usually i'll have the tv playing with the closed captioning .. just added measure to distract me from becoming too focused on the inside i guess..
try to play some video games but my focus and stuff hasn't been very well for past month or 2 so have not been able to

i suppose i always feel disconnected/depersonalized.. i dunno how to explain it because its just a normal way for me and i think when you keep being told something is normal for so long you lose track of how different or strange it is..

so when i try to "relax" or calm this inside or do these exercises what seems to happen is like going into a trance.. or like waking up parts inside that are like reaally paranoid about things "changing"
i zoom out a bit.. movement seems to slow down... cant talk very fast... cant really think, all i get are blanks... every thing looks weird, body feels weird, i guess more depersonalization/derealization occurs..
becoming aware of it makes it alot worse as well so i try not to think about it when it happens.. i mean feeling that weird with nothing to do about it or understand it for so long, anyone would start to try to ignore it right?

im trying to feel comfortable with T.. i like her and all but i guess im just scared because i know she's like not totally qualified to 'handle' me.. she's told me her self a couple times that its not her specialty but she's reading up on stuff and taking extra classes to try to get some more information to help get things working in my favor..

trying to be honest with her but the truth is that i NEVER talk about myself with anyone, i have never really.. so alot of times im blocked from saying things that i want to say just because
but its improving i guess.. i mean next time i do that zooming out im liable to black out and tell her everything
feel like that would scare her, would totally scare me when i realized what i done ..
already dont know all of what i have told her... but i dont think i have told her much, feels like i havent told her anything at all but i know thats false and that i must of told her some things atleast

bah! just too many mixed feelings that clash, i havent had a 'drink' in several days now.. not sure how long... a week or so maybe i dont even know.. time is really messed up and difficult to read, so i think i deserve to have a few drinks!
gotta figure out some way to get my hands on a bottle...

thanks for the replies, i just end up rambling alot usually it seems so im surprised anyone really wants to reply at all..
i know i sound like an absolute lunatic but im cool guy.. for the most part, on the surface everyone loves me and thinks im awesome, no one is allowed below the surface or above

sucks when you feel like this.. lose yourself in the maze of worlds, which one do you wake up in next? whose reflection is that in the puddle of water? which path am i supposed to go? you go all directions, but you cant stay but with 1 ... where does it lead? no body kows.. only no body can give the answers, but he is no where, and cant seem to get no where.. or to anywhere to find the directions to no where... so just run run run
hard to pretend to be normal when it all feels fake and dreamlike - swear if someone is playing a joke on me im gonna make them regret it..
un hook me from this crazy machine before i lose it!!

sorry about ranting